#AdviceForNewTwitterUsers

When I woke up the morning of July 5 with a post Go-Go’s concert hangover (Something no straight man should ever say) and wondering whether…

When I woke up the morning of July 5 with a post Go-Go’s concert hangover (Something no straight man should ever say) and wondering whether I’d been the victim of an Instagram betrayal (Something no grown up should ever say), it never occurred to me that I’d spend the afternoon dispensing a self-help tome’s worth of ‘wisdom” on the merits and disadvantages of social media.

It was my first day off in eons. And lord knows I wasn’t going to relax. So when I stumbled across the hashtag #AdviceForNewTwitterUsers, I thought, “Hey I’m a borderline Twitter addict. I could give a piece of advice or two that folks may not hate.” About 3 hours later, I feel I had sufficiently white privilege mansplained the shit out of that topic. And here, so you barely have to read any actual text, is a few of my kernels in the form of their original tweets.

1. I Was Your Classic Late Adopter

It’s true. I’m nearly at 68 thousand followers. And I’ve reached that point of “maturity” or “lack of maturity,” where I’m fairly comfortable hitting send on whatever topic comes to mind, the second it comes to mind. But there was a point, as recently as four years ago, where the mere thought of tweeting anything overwhelmed me with panic and anxiety. Facebook had been my baby step into social media. But still, Twitter seemed forbidding. It was only for famous comedians and Judd Apatow’s children. But eventually I got their courage and the right Xanax dosage to give it a go. And…literally happened.

2. I Was An Overnight Sensation — After A Year of Not Being One

I naturally assumed that when somone with my inherent charm and charisma waded his toe into Twitter, the online seas would part and I’d eventually have to beg Patton Oswalt and Mindy Kaling to “please stop re-tweeting me, it’s getting kinda embarassing.” The reality is whatever the opposite of that is. Maybe a few hundred or fewer close friends emigrated from Facebook to give me pity follows. And I’d post a joke, wait for it to “go viral,” then get super-excited (despondent) when it was liked by two people. And this went on for over a year. A sad, lonely year of granting way too much weight to my social media failings.

3. At My Low Point, I Started Playing Games

It wasn’t that I hit some emotional nadir because I wasn’t getting Twitter likes. Though admittedly, that dopamine burst would’ve been nice. I was also out of work for a sizable amount of time. It certainly felt sizable as the dad in a household of four. Plus, I had some genuinely serious health issues that year. So all was not terrific, Chez Behar. I’m not saying Twitter saved my life, because that had little to do with stabilizing my bilirubin count. But it did go a long way to giving me an outlet for my feelings. It gave my the ability to write jokes every day even if I wasn’t being paid for them. It introduced me to cool, interesting people, who also ostensibly were not fully-employed at the time. And I got followers. A few at at time, but they came. All from playing hashtag games on the Twitter.

These are games that go on all day, every day. And for me, they were the true entree into the Twitterverse. It’s where I finally found my voice and some people to share it with. As long as you don’t mind six strangers DM’ing you that they had the same Star Trek pun before you did. Consider yourself forewarned. Even this utopia has its dystopian elements.

4. Then Suddenly I Felt Like I Had a Voice

The truth is, my whole life I’ve suffered from near-crippling shyness. And even as a longtime working comedy writer, I was able to hide. As part of a writing team. As part of a staff of a show I didn’t create. But Twitter really was the first place where I was fully putting myself out there. In my own voice. And it was terrifying. And it was awesome.

5. I Went From Only Making Puns to Speaking My Truth

Making jokes during hashtag games got me a small base of support. But I felt I started hitting my stride (if I in fact have) when I began opening up about things I’d only spoken of to my closest friends and family. These topics included my father’s suicide, my own depression, aging, weight gain, career vicissitudes, why I felt the need to say things like ‘vicissitudes.” Whether anyone was listening, whether anyone would respond almost felt immaterial. The mere act of putting my truth out felt magnificently cathartic. By being honest, I was discovered by the Huffington Post and published close to 50 pieces in two years — an opportunity that only was afforded me by being wholly forthcoming and transparent on Twitter. And this openness has now carried into my main use of Twitter: progressive political commentary, which I also write about for Medium. You think you have nothing to say. Then you’ll be shocked when you can’t stop saying it.

6. Which Isn’t to Say There Weren’t Landmines Along the Way

Perhaps one of the most unexpected moments of my fifties, besides getting trapped in my own wet suit in a public beach bathroom, was finding myself mired in full-scale Twitter beef. Like Drake and Pusha T. But more intense and more hip-hop. Twitter like any community anywhere has its own unwritten rules and mores. Apparently, someone in the hashtag world thought that I “Liked” too many tweets but didn’t “Retweet” enough. Which by the way, is fully my prerogative. But it escalated into serious personal attacks against me. Which caught me entirely off-guard. And as a grown man in his early fifties, I took entirely seriously.

7. So I Preached Some Reslience

That one’s kind of self-explanatory. That said, you’d shocked how hurtful words from a total stranger can feel, especially when you aren’t expecting them. Nor are you necessarily in the frame of mind to receive them properly. These days, there’s very little you can say about than can penetrate my newly thicker skin.

Plus…

8. That’s Why God Invented the Block Button

You are under no legal obligation to engage with anyone you don’t want to. Is that narrow-minded? Maybe. But to me, life is too short to get aggravated on your own Twitter feed. And it is yours. And being a part of your feed should be a privilege extended to those that will make your life better, not markedly worse. At least that’s my philosophy. And my online life has been a lot more serene since finding the “block” and “mute” features.

9. The Nuts and Bolts of How I Built a Following

I feel like I’m revealing a state secret to the Kremlin. Then again, I did promise to offer free advice. And if you’ve read this far, you deserve some payoff, don’t ya think? When Twitter started to work for me was simple. If someone I didn’t know liked a tweet, I’d follow them. Sometimes they’d follow back. Later, that day, I’d unfollow anyone who didn’t follow me back. Rinse and repeat. And somehow by playing this very simple numbers game, I got a small following.

But then, there are lots of people out there who say, “that’s not for me.” In which case, it isn’t.

10. What About My Ratios? (And Other Frequently Asked Questions)

There are some Tweeters out there who are purists about the sport. They think that their words are so golden, that an audience will find them. Because of who they are or what they say. And God bless these chosen few. I was certainly not one of them. I tried this approach to wonderfully unsuccessful results. For me, the only way to get was to give. Which also seemed like a nice way of engendering a mini little community on my feed. For others, they like a massive ratio between Followers and Followees. And if you can sustain that, the more power to you. I could not.

I’ve noticed that there are comedy writers who’ve amassed massive followings because of the shows they write for. There are people on Family Guy and Modern Family with half a million followers. I believe it’s a function of them being hilarious and having golden credits that enhance their hilarity. I’ve had way more if a journeyman’s career. I have more dead pilots to my name than Malaysia Airlines. Very few of my followers have come about because of the shows that I write on. Instead I’ve had to subsist on posting frequently, bordering on maniacally — 33 thousand tweets in all. It’s surprisingly labor-intensive.

But if a Twitter platform is something you crave, you really do have to put in the hours. Fortunately, I’m out of work between six and eight months a year. Phew. Because full employment really does cut into my social media calendar.

11. That’s Way More Advice Than I Planned on Giving

I feel I’ve said too much. But I always fear I’ve said too much. Odds are I will push down these unsettling feelings with some kind of smoked meats. But that’s for another piece. In the meanwhile, I should thank the creators of this particular hashtag for forcing me to place my entire social media history and persona in a larger perspective. And recognize that believe it or not, I’ve actually experienced sort of an emotional journey. Sorry for saying “journey” so cavalierly — clearly 20 seasons of The Bachelor have rubbed off on my vernacular.

12. And Finally… Be a Mensch

Perhaps it’s easier said than done, particuarly in such a divisive era. And it’s true that over a hundred per cent of my tweets this year have been opposing the Trump agenda. But I will say in my defense, that I almost always try to frame my attacks in a decidedly nonpartisan way. In fact, more often than not, they are about the preservation of our most basic democratic norms and institutions. And even if you think “Sure, you leftist Jew hippie,” I make sure to rarely attack any Twitter user personally. You know, besides the President. Or Rudy. Or Jeff Sessions. Or Kellyanne…well you get the point.

I believe that’s all the wisdom I have for now. I realize that in this fractured, uncivil and chaotic time, it’s unusual to be making an argument FOR the value of social media. But for me, it’s been a reliable way for the average citizen to provide a check towards governmental overreach. It’s free speech in real time, exercised by millions of civilian journalists. And for me personally, it’s been a vital instrument towards finding my own voice. Which, as a writer of any form, seems to be the ultimate goal: writing your truth without fear of judgement or reproach.

Well, that or getting your tweet liked by Mark Hamill. Let’s be honest, is that really the ultimate goal of all of this?